10 things I had forgotten about having a newborn

My latest addition is now 9 days old!

Having had two before I guess I thought I knew what to expect but here are 10 things I had totally forgotten about having a newborn...

1.  How wonderful they smell.

2.  How three hours of night time sleep can feel amazing!

3.  How all consuming their needs can feel and yet how simple they are.

4.  Just how difficult it is to make their arms and legs be inside a sleepsuit.

5.  How much longer it takes to leave the house.

6.  How being stuck in traffic, especially if they have fallen asleep in the car, feels like you have a ticking time bomb in the back that you are completely powerless to defuse.

7.  How your heart will break if they are crying for more than about 30 seconds and you're not in a position to meet their needs in that moment.

8.  How much washing can be generated by one tiny person (both their own and also by puking/weeing/pooing on your clothes)

9. How grateful you can feel if someone appears with a meal or a competent pair of helpful hands!

10.  How  completely, totally and utterly besotted you can be with someone who can barely give you anything in return.

The ongoing sleeping trauma

I have realised that since my husband went away (so far it has been 4 days) I have lost count of the number of times I have had to persuade Naomi to be asleep.

Be it for naps or for night time sleeping, my little girl doesn't want to do it!  I can spend easily 30-40 minutes getting her to go down for each nap and although night time tends to be a little easier she has taken to waking up. Often.

For the first several weeks of her life she was amazing sleeper, she even slept through for about 3 weeks when she was only about 10 weeks old.  We used to joke that we wouldn't know what to do if we had a "real" baby.  And that's the rub, we don't!

We go on holiday shortly and don't think it is fair on Naomi to change things before we go, and then obviously we won't change things on holiday and when we come back we want to give her a couple of weeks to settle back in, but then we have decided we will do some "sleep training".  I have mixed feelings about it but we can't keep going the way we are and as a result I am counting down the days!

I know it is a controversial subject but the bouncing/rocking/wearing out my knees/wearing out my back/having no energy left just has to go.  I cannot do it any more, this has been made all the more obvious to me while hubby is away, making my child sleep actually makes me want to break out into tears, and sometimes I do cry about it, so it is time for a change.

I just hope I can hold out that long, 6 weeks and counting!

Babysitters

So hubby is away and yet life must go on.  So last night I tried to go out and do something just for me, it would have been pure indulgence in that I was meeting up with some people from church to try and talk through some stuff from my past and to lay some of it to rest.  It was time to forget about being a Mummy and just be me, it was time to focus on what my needs were rather than those of my little girl.

The babysitter came, we had dinner then I bathed Naomi and put her down to sleep.  She was asleep for about 25 minutes before I walked out the door.  I had an ominous feeling though.

I had been out for about an hour when the babysitter rang, she was crying and had been since not long after I left.  Clearly, I came back home.  I have now managed to settle my child, though experience tells me I have a pretty awful night ahead of me, as Naomi is likely to wake quite often in an attempt to make sure I am still around, or perhaps to punish me for going out in the first place!

How do you feel about babysitters though?  I feel very mixed about them, on the one hand I think it is reasonable and healthy to need and want time away from the baby and to do things that aren't completely focused on being a parent.  On the other hand, I think it is perfectly reasonable for my baby at not quite 6 months old to expect her Mummy to be there when she needs her.  I think it reasonable that she won't settle for someone she doesn't know very well (which unfortunately includes grandparents, seeing as we live so far from family).

The night before last I went out and left Naomi with a babysitter and she didn't wake once, last night she woke almost immediately on my leaving*.  Should I have stayed at home?  Should I have waited for night her Dad was here? Do I only feel guilty because it went "wrong"? Or should I feel guilty anyway?

Naomi is a good wee girl, I hate the idea that I caused her to be upset but maybe it is a life lesson she just needs to learn?...

*This makes it sound like we leave her often, in fact this was only the 5th time she has ever been left with anyone other than Mummy or Daddy, ever.

Home Alone

Hubby has gone away, he left last night and doesn't get back till Saturday.

I HATE when he goes away, I really am a better mother when he is here, I get too stressed and anxious while he is away.  Even before I was a mother I coped much better when he was around compared to when he was gone, but now the contrast seems even stronger.

Stuff that I normally do without thinking about it (like eating) becomes a major struggle and now I have to make sure I do everything for Naomi, I become even more of an afterthought.  I decided not to brush my teeth last night for having come upstairs, I couldn't face going down our squeaky stair case and waking the baby, again!  if hubby had been here, I would have brushed my teeth for he would have been here to help *if* she had woken.

Even going to baby groups, which I normally do to help me get through the day with some remnants of sanity in tact, becomes much more difficult, becomes much more challenging and so often gets forgotten about, before I know it the only words I have spoken out loud are "What a big poo" and "Is somebody tired?" (yes, me!) which does my ability to cope no good at all.

The hardest time is that time between when hubby would normally get home from work and baby going to bed, I feel like I normally rely on hubby to keep us going through that time and now I have to pull some energy from a place that doesn't exist and do that myself :-(

So how do you cope when you are home alone with the baby?

No sooner had I come back....

...as I was gone! My baby girl was sick (see previous post), my husband then got sick, I then got sick! Before I knew it we were all lying on the floor (quite literally) and no-one could move and no-one could keep their food down!

The sickness seems to have largely passed, though I as the last to get ill was the first to get better (I think that comes with being a Mum?) and my husband, although much better and back at work today, is not quite right either and I thought Naomi was better but today she showed us all what she thought of sweet potato by being sick in such a way it landed in her own eye! (Does it make me cruel that (after I cleaned her up) I laughed about this?)

It really has made me realise how, as mums, we really do just have to keep going.  My husband would take himself off to bed but I still was required to make milk.  Come bedtime, too, it was mummy that was expected to continue rocking her to sleep, even though 10 minutes before we had opted for a sponge down rather than a bath as Mummy didn't have the energy to pick the baby up, let alone suspend her in water!

It has really hit home to me that my next holiday will be in about 18 years, assuming I don't have any more children, which, actually, despite it all, I do!!

What would you ask for?

My best friend is staying at the moment (which is why the blog has been a little quieter than usual) she is down from Aberdeen for a little under a week and I LOVE having her here.  I love her being here because she is silly and I love having someone to be silly with.  I love her being here because she is Naomi's Godmother and I love seeing her be silly with Naomi too and I love having her here because she is the kind of person who I can tell to hang my washing on the line!

I am really finding it such a blessing and a help to have someone here, all the time (not just weekends and evenings, silly husband having a job!), that can help me with the little things that normally get forgotten about.  I am no longer drowning in a sea of clean washing, I have actually managed to put it all away!

My dishes have been done every day which has given hubby a break too, as that is normally his job.  This morning when I got up (late for the baby had a terrible night but then slept in a little) I found my friend cleaning my kitchen to an extent that I have not had the time to do for some time!

Today I exclaimed that it was a shame I hadn't got my nappies on the line, I was informed they were already there, I hadn't even noticed them go out.

This is not to forget all the times I have been able to go to the toilet without a baby in tow.  I am absolutely loving the number of cups of tea that have been brought to me while breastfeeding (or expressing, yes, this is the kind of friend where she can even see me pump!) and having an extra pair of hands has even allowed me to make a nutritious lunch each day as well as a dinner!

If someone came to your house for a week and you could tell them to do whatever you wanted, what would be your priority?

Owning up to being mad!

So, this is the main point of this blog, mainly because it isn't a big part of me any more, but I thought I would share with you some of the challenges of being a Mum with a history of serious mental ill-health.

I used to be very unwell, I used to be psychotic, I used to be depressed to the point of so many suicide attempts that I lost count long before I stopped and I also used to have periods of mania.  I spent much of my early 20s in a psychiatric ward, sometimes the doors were locked and I wasn't always there at my own choice.  For a very long time the only thing that kept me well(ish) was having drugs jabbed into my bum once a fortnight.  Perhaps controversially, though, I don't mind you knowing this, it is part of who I was (and to an extent am) and I think that the fear of people who are not completely mentally well comes from people being scared to talk openly about their experiences.

I longed for Naomi (well a child) all that time, I was desperate, my husband and I even tried for a baby for a while.  I am so pleased, though, that God didn't let it happen at that time, for I could barely look after myself, let alone another little baby.  I am pleased that God's grace allowed Him to deny me my greatest desire.

I did get better though, I received treatment in a Therapeutic Community and my life turned around.  I love life now, I no longer tolerate it!  I love my friends and family and I love growing in being a Mum and a child of God!


I still find some things challenging though, I have always struggled to keep my mental health good unless I get enough sleep, and (particularly recently) Naomi has been keeping me up a lot and so I have to make sure I catch up when I can and that I do other things to keep me healthy.  I need to make sure I get enough exercise (a challenge in itself with a small baby) and I need to make sure I eat sensible food and don't ALWAYS just reach for the chocolate bar when the day has proved difficult!

My OCDish ways also need to be negotiated, I wear odd socks, I do this because wearing matching socks would stress me out unless they matched EXACTLY, even having had one go through the washing machine an extra time and so be a slightly different shade, really makes me anxious and so I have made it part of my personality to wear odd socks.  All this to say, I can't let that affect the way I deal with Naomi and not just in her dress style, but also that when she gets older and wants to colour the man in the picture in blue, I will just need to let her, it will however cause me no end of anxiety!  As will her putting her books back on the shelf but not in alphabetical order!

The thing I am working through at the moment, is that as the mother of a 5 month old baby who doesn't sleep through the night and struggles to go back to sleep without having my boob put in her mouth, it is completely normal to have down days! The adrenaline of the first few weeks has gone, this is me settled into my new life and things are challenging.  Sometimes she cries, sometimes she refuses to eat even though she is hungry, sometimes she cries because she wanted that toy and I gave her a different one and often she cries when I leave the room (isn't her separation anxiety supposed to come at more like 9 months?), but having a down day isn't the same as being depressed.  i have to allow myself to feel rubbish without worrying that I am becoming ill, for that will only perpetuate the problem!

I love my little girl and I wouldn't not have her for the world, but my mental health had been stable for only about 2 years when she showed up, I took a big risk and I am pleased to report that, so far, we are all doing well :-)

Feeling Ill as a mother

We all know that Mums aren't allowed to stop, they must keep going, keep producing milk (and dinner and a clean house) and keep taking us to our various groups and appointments no matter what.

Well, the time I find this hardest is perhaps not the most obvious.  It obviously isn't when I have loads of energy and have had a good nights sleep, but neither is it when I feel *really* ill or when I've had 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours.  The times I find it hardest are when I am just a little bit ill.

Like now.  I have a cold, it isn't much to write home about and in fact may even be hayfever (although I think I have a fever, regardless of what my thermometer says, and so I have upgraded it to "cold").  I find it hard because if I was exhausted or really ill I would probably get a burst of adrenalin from somewhere and that would see me through.

My body seems to think the best course of action for this ill, however, is to go to bed and sleep.  I agree.  If only I could persuade Naomi to co-operate!

So, how do you cope when you are ill, how do you keep going and how do you get the rest you need?

Where do you turn?

The last few posts on this blog must make it look like I really struggle with my role as a Mum, I don't, I love it, though I have had a difficult week and it has left me reflecting on where we all turn for help in a modern society that is so fragmented and where face to face contact with people seems to be on the decline...

Once upon a time we would have lived near our Mums and they would have helped with anything we were stuck with, they might even have lived in our house but that is far from true now.  I never would have seen myself living more than an hour from either of the sets of grandparents, and yet here am I, 400 miles from "home", and having to make new friends and not being near any of my old support structures.

I have been very lucky in that my church has been an amazing source of friends, most of whom are other mummies who can at least help with making sure I can ask people if "that" is normal or for advice on weaning or (when the time comes in the far off future) weaning or discipline or whatever.

I know, though, that not everyone is so fortunate as I am, that they are very isolated and don't have the help they need.  I find myself wanting to end this blog with a "and this is what you need to do about it" but the truth is, I have no idea what the answer is.  How do we even begin to get some help, even someone to watch the kids while we go to the doctor or get our hair cut? How do we get help with getting the shopping done when you have run out of milk but haven't managed to get clothes on despite it being 3 in the afternoon? And how do we fit in those naps when our babies barely nap themselves (see my post here on why that is such an issue for me!)? And how do we just meet enough people that we can get to the end of the day and spoken words out loud that are not about poo or being clever for using your baby gym!?!

Answers on a postcard, or rather in my comments!