Encouraging helpfulness

I have been musing this recently.  At the moment I have two children, one is nearly 2 and the other is 3.5.  They have such completely different temperaments and personalities and require totally different parenting.  Sometimes things I took for granted as being "difficult" I now realise are only difficult when your child has the personality of my eldest but equally some things that were easier with her are proving more difficult with my younger girl.

One way in which my children are *completely* different is to do with helpfulness.  Clearly we want our children to be helpful but my youngest is just naturally helpful whereas my eldest really needs some help to be helpful.

I've come to the conclusion it is all about looking for opportunities, this might mean pushing yourself outside of what is easiest in the absolutely right now but hope I will reap the rewards later.

Some examples of encouraging helpfulness in my two are

N likes to help cook so here she is helping make tonight's dinner

She wanted to help make Daddy's packed lunch one day, so here she is putting some fruit in a pot for him to take to work.

M wanted to help carry home N's nursery bag

Passing me the laundry to hang on the washing line (to be honest, now that I am nearly 34 weeks pregnant this is about as helpful as it gets)

As N has got older I have tried to explain how helpful it is to just do things like getting dressed without a fuss

Other things the girls will do is put rubbish in the bin (N can even sort the recycling out for me) or put books away on the book shelf.

I try to get the girls to help tidy up each evening before bed, this is very much a work in progress and despite being much more into carrots than sticks it does sometimes only work if the threat of time out for "not listening" to my request is made.

Largely, though, my girls are good and I am happy to help them grow in this area of development.

What I wish I'd known about toddlerdom before I got here

So, here is my post that's all about things about having a toddler that books can't prepare you for, no matter how many you read.

I don't care that we are going out in five minutes, I want to go out NOW

1.  The tantrum that you thought would end all tantrums will be worse later.

OK, they've just starting toddling and thus they are a toddler.  They throw a tantrum because you said they couldn't have more banana or because you said they couldn't walk round the supermarket and should sit in the trolley.  It is horrific.  They shout, they scream, they hit their fists on the floor and dig in their heels and you can't imagine it will get any worse.  Here's the problem though, they are quite small just now but they will be a toddler till they are at least three, they will get bigger, they will get stronger and they will get better at knowing how to push your button, they are clever, you see.

That said, my experience is that the tantrums get less frequent, as they child becomes slightly (only slightly) more rational, they stop being an every day occurrence BUT when they do occur, they get even more horrific.  Sorry.

2.  As an adult you have to learn that toddlers are not often rational

"Mummy, the ball is round, I want it to be square"
"Mummy, I want to splash in puddles but not get wet"
"Mummy, I want to bake a cake even though you don't have any eggs"
"Mummy, I know I kept you up all night but I now need you to be fun [read energetic]"
"Mummy, this pen won't wipe off my hand"
"Mummy, this ice cube is cold"

These are all real examples of things my toddler has been upset about.  When we first hit toddlerdom I thought I would be able to reason with her, explain to her, help her be rational.  Not so.  And toddlers shouldn't be rational because the whole point about this phase is that they are working out how the world works and how they relate to it.  It is healthy to go through it and it would be unhealthy for them to stay as a baby and never go through this.

3.  It is tiring. No, scrap that, it's exhausting.

The baby phase is physically exhausting, all those night feeds and cuddling, settling, pram pushing and soothing and it is a good thing that it passes but I have found that the next stage is emotionally draining and as such just as exhausting, albeit in a different way.

There is only so much time you can spend in the company of someone who climbs on you, moans at you, doesn't listen to you, fights the simplest of instruction but also likes to be right under your elbow at all times before it takes its toll and you want/need a break.  You know what? That's alright and I recommend you find a way to get some time out. (This looks different for different people, for me it is running for others it is a nap, whatever it is, find your way to rest.)

4.  There's no "right" way to deal with things.

No matter what the books say or your supernanny types like to spout, there is no right way to do things and it is all a bit trial and error.  Also, things might work for a while but always be prepared to adapt.  For a long time we did time out and it worked well but lately I have noticed that it has left me focussing on the negative and making me shouty.  I am about to change to more of a reward chart (well jar) based coping strategy so that I spend more time focussing on the positive and rewarding what is good rather than punishing what is bad.

On this subject, my one top tip is to know that you cannot change your toddler but you can change yourself.  The days that my toddler(s) are least compliant and most naughty are the days that *I* am tired and *I* am grumpy.  Choosing to be calm and rational myself creates an environment where others are calm and rational (even the two year olds).

5.  It WILL get easier

If you are reading this because you have found yourself thrown into a pit of toddler tantrums and unreasonableness then please know, it WILL get easier.  I am by no means out of it (not least of all as I went and had another baby!!) but I can see it easing, changing, become less of a constant battle zone.  It's true what they say, this too shall pass!  It might be hard and I think you can speed the process by engaging with it rather than ignoring it and hoping it will just disappear, but it will pass.

Normal doesn't mean easy

I am about to have a rant.  Feel free to comment if you life but the main point of this post is just to rant and get my feelings out.

I am dealing with a few issues just now and all of  them are very, VERY normal.

1.  I live in a town where I have no friends.  I have met lots of really lovely people and I look forward to getting to know them better but right now they don't know much more about me than my name, how many children I have and that I moved here recently.  My really good friends live in Aberdeenshire or Loughborough. And you know what, I am lonely.  Really lonely.  So lonely it makes me cry sometimes.  This is normal, we've not long moved here and missing the people I have deep relationships with is normal.  Wishing I could just pop round and say hello is normal.  Feeling down and wishing I could have coffee with them is normal.

2.  My children fight.  Constantly.  With each other and with me.  Now that Miriam can move Naomi gets upset that her toys are stolen but equally doesn't understand that Miriam can't really play with her yet.  Naomi doesn't listen to a thing I say from the beginning of the day to the end, unless I am offering her cake.  This is normal, she is two.  She is working out the world doesn't revolve around her and she is sad about it.  It is normal that Miriam wants to explore her sister's toys and doesn't understand that Naomi thinks they are all hers.

3.  I am exhausted.  This is normal, I have two small children and I am with them constantly as neither of them have any childcare so I look after them morning, noon and night seven days a week.  At this point in life I shouldn't expect to feel anything other than tired.

The thing is, though.  Just because it is normal doesn't make it easy.  Just because it is normal for my two year old to go through a phase of refusing to use a knife and fork doesn't mean I shouldn't try and make her at least try.  Just because it is normal for me to feel lonely when  my friends live so far away doesn't make it any easier for me to get through each day longing for deeper relationships and doesn't mean I should just get over it and stop feeling low.

I have stopped telling people about my difficulties, at least not so much as I feel all I get is a platitude of "it's normal".  It is normal, and that provides a small amount of comfort that my problems aren't of a magnitude that can't be dealt with but it doesn't change anything, not least of all that life feels a bit tiring, challenging and difficult right now and I feel like I genuinely need help, be it advice or 10 minutes off in a day and don't know where to get it.

Anyway, we'll get through this phase, like we've got through every other and move on to the next "normal" problem.

My Issues with Baby Led Weaning

Having enjoyed some weetabix and banana for breakfast

This post has been rattling around in my head for ages and before I start typing it I would like to make the following disclaimer:

How you wean your baby is your decision and I believe there are pros and cons to all methods and I do think there is a lot to be said for baby led weaning (I use little bits of the concept myself) and I have dear friends who I love dearly who swear by it and I still love them despite anything I am about to say.

Weaning, it's another one of those contentious parenting issues isn't it.  That separates people into "good" parents and "bad" parents depending on what you do.  Do you use purees? Are they home made or do you used shop bought packets of puree? Do you start at four months? Wait till six? Or do you do baby led weaning?

In case you don't know the idea with baby led weaning is that babies eat lots of finger foods/things they can pick up.  They can munch on what they can manage and get all the rest of what they need from milk, as they get older and more proficient at eating they get more of there nutrients and substance from solid food and less from milk, it is so called because the baby sets the pace.

Here are my issues though...

The name!  Baby Led Weaning, and even more so when you think that BLW folks tend to refer to the alternative as spoon led weaning, makes it sound like having decided to spoon feed my children that I am force feeding them!  They still dictate when they have had enough, they are more than capable of communicating when they are done and we don't finish every meal that we start.

The idea that just because we are puree feeding we are chained to the kitchen making special foods for ever more.  In the early days we just pureed some of the veg that we were having in our dinner anyway and very quickly we progressed to just eating whatever the rest of us were having for dinner.  I think that Miriam was 5 months old when she had her first curry (a dinner she loves!) and she continues to just eat whatever the rest of us are having, just pureed to a texture and consistency she could manage.  Now that she is a little older it is normally just mushed up with a fork or increasingly I just put bits down for her to pick up for herself (there's that nod to baby led weaning from me)

My baby (both of them actually, but even more so Miriam) was ravenous, long before she was ready to do baby led weaning, she could hold her head up quite the thing but nowhere near being able to sit up.  And I don't just mean she was waking up more (I am well aware this isn't necessarily a sign that it is time to start weaning), I mean she was grumpy, she was obvious hungry and at meal times when the rest of the family ate she screamed her way through.  I started weaning at four months and if I had waited any longer I would have been subjecting everyone to a very sad two months, everyone was happier (not least of all her) when she starting having some extra food inside her belly.

I frequently hear that BLW is better for avoiding allergies, and I am happy to admit that I have no evidence that it isn't but I would love to see some evidence that it is!  As far as I can tell apart from delaying the age we wean at the only difference between what I feed my child and what a BLWer feeds their child is the form it is served in...  Maybe I am just lucky but both my puree fed children are completely allergy free!

Also, and this is a very minor issue, how do children who are exclusively given meals to pick at learn to use a knife and fork? (I know they must do but for my children it was just natural to start using the spoon when I left it sitting to get a mouthful of my own dinner and then progress from there to a fork...)

Mainly though. I think my issue comes down to the fact that I feel judged.  I feel like if you have chosen BLW that you think I am harming my children or doing it "wrong".  My children are happy, healthy, love fruit and veg, not overweight and don't eat lots of junk food so please can you try and adjust your language? Or maybe I just need one or to of the baby led weaning camp to tell me what beautiful children I have and tell me I must feed them lovely healthy food for them to be doing so well.  Because you know what? I do and they are!

No sooner had I come back....

...as I was gone! My baby girl was sick (see previous post), my husband then got sick, I then got sick! Before I knew it we were all lying on the floor (quite literally) and no-one could move and no-one could keep their food down!

The sickness seems to have largely passed, though I as the last to get ill was the first to get better (I think that comes with being a Mum?) and my husband, although much better and back at work today, is not quite right either and I thought Naomi was better but today she showed us all what she thought of sweet potato by being sick in such a way it landed in her own eye! (Does it make me cruel that (after I cleaned her up) I laughed about this?)

It really has made me realise how, as mums, we really do just have to keep going.  My husband would take himself off to bed but I still was required to make milk.  Come bedtime, too, it was mummy that was expected to continue rocking her to sleep, even though 10 minutes before we had opted for a sponge down rather than a bath as Mummy didn't have the energy to pick the baby up, let alone suspend her in water!

It has really hit home to me that my next holiday will be in about 18 years, assuming I don't have any more children, which, actually, despite it all, I do!!

Weaning

Yesterday my little girl started on solid food.  I had decided that sweet potato would be good, because it is sweet, very smooth (we are weaning young, to find out why, read this post) and it had my breast milk in it, so I thought it would taste more familiar.

She didn't hate it, but neither would I say it was a resounding success! So today, at the advice of some friends I gave her some baby rice made with my milk, and I think she loved it! She still seemed a bit unsure of the new consistency, but she seemed much happier than the day before.

I am glad too, I have had quite a down day today, feeling slightly inadequate as a Mum, and a bit overwhelmed.  Naomi had seemed so ready for food, she was certainly interested in what Mummy and Daddy were doing every meal time, and so I was convinced she would take to it really easily and I think the fact that it didn't just work straight off had left me feeling a little dejected.  In hindsight, I aimed too high, I wanted to avoid using anything from a packet but as a result, I gave Naomi something she just wasn't ready for.

Tomorrow we will do some more baby rice, we'll just work up to the tasty vegetables currently packing my freezer!

Expectations and Obligations

First of all, sorry for not updating for a few days, unfortunately real life got in the way!!

One of the things I have been doing this weekend is that my hubby and I took Naomi down to London and we stayed there with my sister-in-law and her family. She had met Naomi a couple of times but this was the first overnight stay.

We had a lovely afternoon and in the evening she settled down really easily and then later we all went to bed.  Now, this is where I struggle if we stay with people overnight.  If Naomi wakes in the night (as she often does these days, where has my good little sleeper gone?) and we are staying with someone else, I feel an obligation to deal with it quickly, in order to not wake anyone else.  Gone are my feelings of letting it go on a few minutes to see if she settles, gone are my thoughts about teaching her to self settle by not jumping the moment she makes any noise at all.  Before you know it I have been up so many times in the night that I even lose my ability to tell the time and I tell my hubby it is 3am when in fact it is 5am!

The next morning my sister-in-law and her husband make sympathetic noises about how she woke a few times but in the back of my head I am wondering if they are complaining she woke them up too? They have family but there kids have been sleeping through for a long time now, have they forgotten what it is like?

So, how do you deal with the expectations of others, and more to the point how do you sort through the ones that are perceived in your head and the ones that really exist? Do you try and make life as easy as you can for those you are staying with? Or do you expect them to make allowances for you while you are in their home?  What have been you biggest issues where the way you want to parent and the ways that others want you to parent have not matched up?