My Babies

I made it! The summer is over! Term has started and so recommences the nursery run and toddler group routine that brings me so much comfort.

However, this week has been hard.  So hard.  So much harder than I had expected.  N has been exhausted and I am sufficiently pregnant that I don't really have the capacity to deal with the consequences!

So, in an attempt to overcome my negative feelings about the week so far, I would like to shout.  Loud and proud.  I LOVE MY BABIES!!!!

Sometimes it is hard but I love them unconditionally

I love them so very much

Could have been written about me

I came across this blog post yesterday, in all my blog reading I know it isn't all that common to blog a recommendation for a blog but I rate this post incredibly highly

Don't Carpe Diem

The thing is, I feel like it was written about me!  I love being a Mummy, not least of all because I feel, think and know that God made me to be a Mummy.  When I am being a Mummy I am doing what I am designed to do I find it freeing, liberating, exhilarating, inspiring and I love it.  I also find it tiring, in fact exhausting! Sometimes I feel like I don't get time where I am not being a Mummy and I start to crave "me time" and then I feel guilty.  I am very much in favour of having another baby, I hope it happens sooner rather than later but then I start to complain that even with one I can't get a load of washing done in a day!  I complain that changing a poo-filled nappy is a terrible job or that I want to be able to go to the cinema (spontaneously)!

One of the thing that really interests me about this article though, is that since sharing it, everyone who has read it has said "that could have been written about me", "I feel like that" or "I wish I'd known I wasn't the only one".

Why, as parents, do we insist upon putting on a show for the outside world and then beat ourselves up because everyone else is better than us (forgetting that we only get to see the show that is being put on for us!).

Why can't we be honest about how difficult discipline can be, how awful we feel for not being able to persuade our children to eat, how we let them watch hours of television all day and can't be bothered taking them to the park because it's raining!

The best thing we could all do, I think, is talk to each other.  Let's be support to each other!  The closest I have come is my support network of Mums on twitter but I often find in real life (or especially on facebook) life is edited to show only the good bits.

So, will you join me in some honesty for the sake of all us parenting types?

Home Alone

Hubby has gone away, he left last night and doesn't get back till Saturday.

I HATE when he goes away, I really am a better mother when he is here, I get too stressed and anxious while he is away.  Even before I was a mother I coped much better when he was around compared to when he was gone, but now the contrast seems even stronger.

Stuff that I normally do without thinking about it (like eating) becomes a major struggle and now I have to make sure I do everything for Naomi, I become even more of an afterthought.  I decided not to brush my teeth last night for having come upstairs, I couldn't face going down our squeaky stair case and waking the baby, again!  if hubby had been here, I would have brushed my teeth for he would have been here to help *if* she had woken.

Even going to baby groups, which I normally do to help me get through the day with some remnants of sanity in tact, becomes much more difficult, becomes much more challenging and so often gets forgotten about, before I know it the only words I have spoken out loud are "What a big poo" and "Is somebody tired?" (yes, me!) which does my ability to cope no good at all.

The hardest time is that time between when hubby would normally get home from work and baby going to bed, I feel like I normally rely on hubby to keep us going through that time and now I have to pull some energy from a place that doesn't exist and do that myself :-(

So how do you cope when you are home alone with the baby?

Well that has been a terrible day

Today went badly.  It might be the worst day I can remember since I became a mummy.

We started with vomiting which meant that we had to cancel the coffee with another mummy friend and baby group, having just got her over a viral gastroenteritis I didn't feel it would be wise to start turning up to places with babies.  After the weekend we had last weekend, it also meant a trip to the doctor, mainly to put my mind at ease.

The day continued with a complete and utter disregard for napping, at 12 noon I made her nap by putting her in the sling, but this left me attached to her and meant I could do none of the things on my to-do list (one of which was drink water, though I forgot to do that rather than being quite that disabled) and meant I got very little rest even when I was sitting down.  She woke at about 1pm which meant that having woken at 8am and being only 5 months old she had already not napped enough.

Come 2.30 she was knackered again, so despite it not being that long I start the process of getting my very tired baby to nap, though apparently it is not as easy to do that as you might like.  I tried for 2 hours before I gave up, although in that 2 hours I shed many tears and got frustrated with everything.  In the morning she had been sick on her pram and because she hadn't napped in her cot in the morning I had been unable to "deal" with that, so I couldn't even fall back on my take-her-for-a-walk-in-the-pram back up napping technique.  I cried down the phone at my Mum, I texted my husband who was in meetings most of the afternoon, I complained on twitter then wished I hadn't for people didn't say *exactly* what I wanted them too (I don't know what I wanted them to say, mind you, and having reviewed the responses they were all completely appropriate!  I complained on facebook.  At times I put her down in her cot, came downstairs and cried as I listened to her cry through the monitor. At times I tried to comfort her with a cuddle or with her dummy.

In the end, my husband finished his meetings and phoned me, he was coming home (I love my husband's job, super-flexible doesn't even describe how flexible it is!), all I had to do was survive another 20 minutes and he would be here to help.

When he got home, everything got a little easier and everything certainly felt much easier.  What a shame that he leaves for Dublin on Monday where he will be working for 6 days :-(

So grateful

Today I hold my little girl tight and I cry, they are tears of joy for what I have and tears of sadness for my friend who is today having a medical miscarriage because her baby will not be able to survive and will put her own health at risk.

I waited such a long time for my chance to be a Mum, but not because of infertility (which my friend also knows about, this is an IVF miracle baby) and not because of loss, I am very blessed to have fallen pregnant on my third cycle of trying and have carried my first ever baby to full term, my wait was because of my own illhealth.

Therefore I just can't imagine that pain, the suffering that must come with losing your child.

Today I just weep, for what my friend has lost and what I have gained even though I do not deserve it.

I thank God (quite, quite literally) for her and for all she is, even at 3am!

an older picture of Naomi, but still one of my favourites.

Feeling Ill as a mother

We all know that Mums aren't allowed to stop, they must keep going, keep producing milk (and dinner and a clean house) and keep taking us to our various groups and appointments no matter what.

Well, the time I find this hardest is perhaps not the most obvious.  It obviously isn't when I have loads of energy and have had a good nights sleep, but neither is it when I feel *really* ill or when I've had 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours.  The times I find it hardest are when I am just a little bit ill.

Like now.  I have a cold, it isn't much to write home about and in fact may even be hayfever (although I think I have a fever, regardless of what my thermometer says, and so I have upgraded it to "cold").  I find it hard because if I was exhausted or really ill I would probably get a burst of adrenalin from somewhere and that would see me through.

My body seems to think the best course of action for this ill, however, is to go to bed and sleep.  I agree.  If only I could persuade Naomi to co-operate!

So, how do you cope when you are ill, how do you keep going and how do you get the rest you need?

Where do you turn?

The last few posts on this blog must make it look like I really struggle with my role as a Mum, I don't, I love it, though I have had a difficult week and it has left me reflecting on where we all turn for help in a modern society that is so fragmented and where face to face contact with people seems to be on the decline...

Once upon a time we would have lived near our Mums and they would have helped with anything we were stuck with, they might even have lived in our house but that is far from true now.  I never would have seen myself living more than an hour from either of the sets of grandparents, and yet here am I, 400 miles from "home", and having to make new friends and not being near any of my old support structures.

I have been very lucky in that my church has been an amazing source of friends, most of whom are other mummies who can at least help with making sure I can ask people if "that" is normal or for advice on weaning or (when the time comes in the far off future) weaning or discipline or whatever.

I know, though, that not everyone is so fortunate as I am, that they are very isolated and don't have the help they need.  I find myself wanting to end this blog with a "and this is what you need to do about it" but the truth is, I have no idea what the answer is.  How do we even begin to get some help, even someone to watch the kids while we go to the doctor or get our hair cut? How do we get help with getting the shopping done when you have run out of milk but haven't managed to get clothes on despite it being 3 in the afternoon? And how do we fit in those naps when our babies barely nap themselves (see my post here on why that is such an issue for me!)? And how do we just meet enough people that we can get to the end of the day and spoken words out loud that are not about poo or being clever for using your baby gym!?!

Answers on a postcard, or rather in my comments!

When it all feels too much...

I have been a Mum for exactly 112 days, this time 16 weeks ago I was in the middle of the long process of labour and since that moment my life has been turned upside down, but I LOVE it! I love being a Mum, not least of all because I believe it is what God made me to be but also because when I look at my daughter smile I can't imagine doing anything else or being anywhere else.

I love how she learns, I love how she explores and works stuff out and I love her cheeky personality. I very much get those moments where I sit and look at her and can't believe I was involved in any way in the making of such a beautiful and precious wee person.

I love our walks in the park and our trips to the supermarket. I love our time in baby groups and even our time in the house reading books together or even just watching TV (I know I shouldn't let her, but that is another blog post!).

I love that when we first brought her home from the hospital the only way she could communicate was with crying but now she chats to us, smiles at us and shows us many of the emotions she is learning to handle. I love that this time last month she couldn't get things in her mouth with any precision but now she can get anything (and everything) in there! I love that this time last week I had never seen her roll over, and now she has done it, twice!

That said, sometimes being a Mum all feels a bit too much, and we all need to talk about these times more. By staying silent about the times when we dread going to bed because we know it is only a matter of time before we will be woken, or about the times when we don't want to breastfeed any more because we feel bound to our babies, or about the times when we just want to have a night off but can't we perpetuate the feelings we have that everyone else has it more sorted than we do. We need to talk about the hard times as well as the good or our bad days will feel even worse for thinking we are alone in feeling that way.

This week I have been reflecting on the fact that one of my friends is struggling a bit, she is tired and her 7 month old shows no interest whatsoever in food and weaning is proving just far too difficult. I don't want things to be hard for her, but before I had this realisation I had been comparing myself and my struggles with my daughter to a picture of parenthood that didn't exist in reality. I was letting myself think that my friend had it sorted and had all the answers, and realising she doesn't has been a really freeing experience for me.

So, let's be open, I am exhausted at the moment as my wee one has stopped sleeping well at night, I need to start weaning shortly but I am not sure if I have the capacity for it and although I don't think I have postnatal depression (I have been depressed before, I know what that feels like) I am having many down days at the moment and the tiredness isn't helping. I no longer find it easy to be around my husband because I don't feel like I have anything to talk about other than Naomi's bowel movements and I have no capacity at ALL for anything intimate which can put a strain on any relationship! Let us all talk about those bad days together, I suspect it will make them easier to cope with and that in turn they will be fewer and further between...